it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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