I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
