i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
