Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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