I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
