I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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