I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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