Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
