She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
