I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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