My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
