There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
