Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
