he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
