Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
