pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
