i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
