i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
