we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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