You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
