Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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