Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How naked do you want me to be?
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