Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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