I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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