No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
love makes seman taste better
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
