I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
