I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
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i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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