well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
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He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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