Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Two words: blizzard sex
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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