If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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