i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
