upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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