His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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