sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
