When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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