Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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