he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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