I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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