I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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