you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize