Capitaan dildo arrescate!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
