i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
