imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
