I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Randomize
