I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
