I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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