Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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