She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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