eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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