my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
