I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
