my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
