2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
