yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
