he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
