Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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