My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
