I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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