I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
