I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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